I've moved.

Ask me for the new link. Because i have no idea who reads.

I'm considering moving.

I have no intention to put anyone in tears with this post.
Nor  this post wont get personally deleted due to overwhelming response.
And this comes from the bottom of my heart.
I have no other choice but to pour it all over here, because, it's not the same, telling only to a good friend.
And hopefully this will be a remedy to everything.
And I promise to make this as anonymous as I can.
I'm just going to be beat around the bush.
This is purely  for my own sake.

I guess I was too late.
I spent almost 6 months thinking about, if my feelings were true.
And i decided to go verbal about my thoughts to a friend or two.
I was discouraged to do go any further as things can go sour.
Spent nearly a month or two still thinking about it after that.
And I finally decided to face the music.
It was now or never.

And I paid the price for taking too much time.
I guess, a year was too long.

I took every emotional gunfire like a man.
And not to be a sore loser bastard.
I took everything to the chin rather than the heart.
But it was too much to take.



It took me that long, because i was really thinking through it.
I'll consider everything to make sure that the risk was worth it.
To make sure that this is what i really want.
And consider the best option.
I analyzed everything. Took a back seat and consider every detail.
And think what's best..

I told myself, that don't take things to the heart and just leave it in the brain.
It works, somehow.
But i think by taking things to another level, i have subconsciously took things to the heart.
It sucks.



I hope this remedies everything.

Lastly, i want to thank WST for lending me those listening ears.





PS: I would really appreciate it that whatever i type remains here. Please, do not pester me or ask me anything about it out of the virtual world. I'll not entertain. But i'll welcome comments.

It's the lunch hour, and i have the urge to go back home. No, i'm not still in holiday mood or whatever, but i'm suffering. Really suffering. I'm deprived of SLEEP.

As i grow older, i think my body becomes less flexible and i could go over the limit anymore. For example, back in Sec 3, i could starve myself the whole day and only consume my first meal of the day when i reach home at 6pm after all the Mathematics, Sciences, Language cramming in class and all the 2.4km runs, Frisbee games, after-school football. And i still feel fine. I felt normal. And i lost alot of weight. And during my graduating year, i have daily sessions with my thick textbooks which i start at 12 midnight and only start sleeping at 2-3am. I have to wake up at 5.30am and drank two cups of coffee to help me stay awake throughout school, although i felt like a Zombie, I could continue focussing in my class.

But now, i can't do those things anymore. I have to eat something during lunch without getting any gastric reactions in my tummy, and my stomach continues to growl, demanding for food. And my neighbours beside me could hear it getting angrier.

I feel slightly nausiace and having a slight migrain. I can't focus.


I'll continue later, i'm running late for my next class. Wish me luck surviving in there.

Work used to be fun. I have been looking forward to work ever since the George era ended. Seriously. I find work is where i can meet people who don't mind listening to my constant 'kpkb-ing' about work and life. Work used to be my sanctuary, where i can just forget about school and problems faced by people I've known for a very long time. Worked used to be where i can switch off my mind, and greet customers with a fake decently sincere smile. Work used to be where I can share with my stories to people, over a plate of Siew Mai.

Now, It doesn't feel the same.

People have change. Things have changed. The environment changed.
It doesn't feel like sanctuary anymore. It's now more erm, 'bleargh'.
We have this constant flow of employment and termination almost every month. And just when we were about to bond with most of them, these people just have to find trouble to get themselves terminated. And then, a new flow of staffs comes in, and we have to start everything anew.
And the cycle goes on and on till god knows.

I used to have a sense of belonging in the group of friends I've made. And no doubt, they were wonderful people. The laughs we had were the things i need to get my head off from the most lamest and nonsensical problems i have. These people are my advisers, giving their opinion towards a life decision. These were the people that i can really talk to. I never had such in my 18 years of life.

It might be me, but i feel really out of place now.

I go to work, i don't really feel that i can fit in anymore. It's like my first month at work all over again. People change and start going on to new groups of people which they think they can fit in better. But face it, that's society for you.

It never felt the same like how it way for the pass 8-9 months. Other than earning money, I'm not sure what am i aiming for at work anymore. Everything is stale.

I had this little ego in myself, that spurs me on to climb the ladder after some empty promises made by the manager. I've worked so hard believing that I can, and i will, despite having commitments to my studies. I'm not after the praises. I want the reward. And I do not think I'm rewarded enough for the heavy responsibilities that is thrown at me that requires extra commitment.

I find myself very demoralised. I'm always being thrown down at the cashier counter supervising cashiering newbs for the first two hours. This makes me further demoralised, making me feel that I'm not good enough for the more tiring jobs. But people keep telling me it's the other way round. I've always been caught having a concentration lapse, which i can see pisses the 'Golden Nametaggers' upstairs from their faces.

I've not been taken seriously anymore. I'm usually being presented with a really fake smile or laughter.
With that, I'm getting lazier at entertaining people.

I had some rare thoughts on quitting or transferring.
But i keep reminding myself that, in the future, i do not have a choice to resign just because i can't fit in with the other employees when i start my real full-time job. And also, having to support a wife, and maybe three kids, they rely on me to put the food on the table.

I have to master the skill of adapting to changes of people. And i think now is perfect.
Other than that, i can't bear to leave behind a few people. It's because of them, i can't bear to resign to part with such friends.


And I must keep believing, maybe not now, or maybe not sooner, that everything will just go fine for me.

One very important quality that i lack is Charm. My inability to charm girls have left me unfavorable with women. No, no. I'm not desperate to be in a relationship. But i realise, everytime i try to pursuit for a girl that i really like, it didnt really work out like how i wanted it to be. I most probably scare the poor girl away i think. My not-very-nice looking face helped in the process. But the face doesn't matter.

The face only makes the opposite sex to turn and take a second look. But what really attract's them is the ability to be charming. For example, up till now, i'm still scratching my head how a guy like Wai Chung, a bloated paikia, can get a girl like Corrine. That's because he's a sweet talker. Even with the silliest restrictions set by the paikai for the girl, she still doesn't mind it anyway and played along. But i dont think their together now. This was years ago back in Sec 3 i think. Now i think she grew a brain. (All the best to both of them to whatever they are pursuing)

The point is, no matter how you look like a cow or an elephant, your good qualities and your ability to charm, is good enough to fall in love and get any decent girl that is compatible for you, with you.

I have a friend who's not the most good looking guy in school. But he can pursue and most of the time get the attention of the the other party.
The secret: His humor.


I'm never a sweet talker nor a very funny person. I'm kinda lame actually. I think i make more witty jokes rather than the normal typical jokes.
I also seem very serious all the time no matter what i do. I even look serious when i'm daydreaming. But i'm not serious at all. Honestly. I'm only serious when situations get very tensed up.

Maybe this is why i can't seem to attract and go into a relationship with the girl i really want.

A friend told me once, that maybe i should try go and experiment(although experiment sounds alittle bit evil) how a relationship feels like with any girl that might have the slightest interest in me. FYI, i had two opportunities to try that. But i turned both down because, they are really far from my type of person. Everytime i think about it, i can't help but to pinch myself. You must be kidding me. Do i look like i'm even your type of person?


I don't fall for a girl because she looks like Siti Nurhaliza or Fiona Xie. I always believe in time. If over some time, the both of us can click well, feelings are bound to linger from guy to girl or vice versa. I also never believe in love at first sight. It just shows you're real materialistic.

I do sometimes develop feelings after getting comfartable talking with one another. But my inability of charming just shows to the girl that both are meant to be mutual friends. And i'll just scare her away by making another move.

A wise friend adviced me once, "Go with the flow". So if the flow seems to not go your way, even with enough effort, i'll just have to learn how to let it go. Afterall, i'm a professional at moving on. I've done it quite a few times already. And it's improving. Like the common saying says, "The right one will surely come by."

Move on....but never say never.


Thank you, Wise Friend.

It's nice to know that i have readers now. No, this is not sarcasm. It's really nice to know that people actually bother to read the whole entry at their free time. Of course, i assume all of them are here because there are no more blogs to go except for mine. So it's like, "Hmm, Hidhir's? Uhmm....Can la, i'm bored anyway." So yea, keep checking back to see if there are any updates.


It's funny, how humans make assumptions. After all the witnessing or overhearing, out of all 1,000 reasons, they just have to assume the worst possible reason of it and stick to it deep down mentally and emotionally. And after that, conflicts will just happen for no reason. Actually I'm guilty of it too. Haha. But I only realize this natural bad habit after being a victim of it. Heh.


I did alittle bit of thinking just now while laying on the carpet facing the blank screened TV. And I made a little conclusion that, putting family aside, I have no value in the eyes of others.
Nobody listen to my thoughts and views.
Nobody take notice of what i do and my qualities.
Nobody appreciates my help.
Nobody respects me.
Nobody wants my opinion.
I'm always being taken advantage for my kindness.
To them, i'm just someone in the background.

No, no. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to get sympathy or anything. But it would be nice people take me seriously sometimes.. It would be nice if people respect me. It would be nice if i'm being credited and appreciated for the things i've done. I don't want to be taken advantage anymore.

Many times, i could have just blew my top off and express my unhappiness and disagreement. But ever since the O levels, i set a mentality that how some things aren't worth fighting for. So I start giving in alot. Even with that, i'm being taken advantage. I'm tired of giving in. I'm tired of letting the other party win. I'm pissed that some even tried to rub it it. 

The first few times they might mumble a simple,"Thanks". But after that that word became more and more silent. I understand maybe the word is just too tiring too say. But I start to get pissed off when this happens:
"Eh, we should start doing something".
"Can la, I'm fine with anything. But who wants to everything?"
"Ask Hidhir to do it. He will confirm do anything wan."

This has going on for quite long. But now, it's long enough. Enough is enough. I can't take it anymore.


If only i could, express whatever is bothering me down here. That would be excellent. But it doesnt work that way here in cyberspace.You're doomed if you write it here. What's more, i dont really think anybody gives a shit.



Don't worry, after this i wont be slitting my wrist with a parang. Or try climbing up to the top of International Plaza to test the air resistance of a free falling body. Infact, I enjoy life right now. My hopes of my life getting more interesting have came true.

The drama is more dramatic. The comedy is getting more hilarious. The horror is getting more horrifying. The thrill is getting more thrilling. The action is now more action packed. Romance? God knows.


I love my life. But i'm unhappy about being mistreated. But maybe it's me. Maybe i have to change alittle bit.

Well it's time to turn this thing around,
Well there's no reason for this thing you found,
We're always keeping all our borders up,
I think it's time we tore them all down.





EPIC.

http://www.handwritingwizard.com/analysis.php

I've found this interesting link from a forum and you should really try it. It's not those lame look-at-your-birthdate kind of personality, but i think this is far more truthful since a person's handwriting is a person's trademark and it's almost impossible to imitate a person's handwriting precisely. You dont have to write on a tablet or anything, you just match your current handwriting with the description.

Mine is almost perfectly accurate. It describes my personality precisely. Not only that. It even makes you realize you have other values that you thought you never had.

So goes here mine. I'll give my own opinion in brackets(i based it on my own thoughts):



Welcome Hidhir bin Mohamad Noor, here is your handwriting analysis.

I think by now, most AI alumni would have most probably heard the news of the death of Fakhrul Aiman. And I bet by now there are hundreds of blogs posting about his death.  The news indeed spread like wild fire and by the second day of his death, almost everyone knows. Nadia messaged me in the wee hours of saturday morning informing about his death. To be honest, I didn't even know this lad existed and i dont think i even remembered his face in school even after looking at some of his friendster photos. But from what i assume, he's widely lovable throughout the 2005 cohort.

He suffered from cardiac arrest only after 15 minutes of a casual basketball game at the school's basketbal court. He passed away at 17:07. He wasn't suffering from any illness nor he was on medication. From the looks on it, i am convinced that meant to be. God had decided to take him back at a young age.

An A.I Man indeed. He'll definately be a remembered down the road because of the tragic end of Allahyarham Fakhrul Aiman's death in school.

Tragic definately. He passed away on the 3rd day of Hari Raya and he was weeks away from taking his major O Levels. I can imagine his Mum's agony. I know her pain.

(I was planning to rip a picture of him from friendster and post his photo here. But for some reason, everything on his friendster was taken down. Be it his pictures, Information and comments)

God The Almighty, i pray that you'll forgive his pass sins and ease his sufferings in his grave and also on
the Day of Judgement. Amin.




This has reminded me that God can take us back anytime he wants. No matter if we're still an infant or a grown up teenager. So, always treasure life and we have to continue and even improve our faith towards god. I am Muslim, but i think this could be applied to any other faiths.

Live your life to the fullest. Appreciate what we have with us. Put aside that pen knife and strictly use it for cutting paper, not anything else. Be glad that you're sill allowed to be given a new day every morning. Be glad that you're always be given another chance everyday. Be glad that you're not ignored by everyone in the world. Be glad that you still have a family to give you comfort and a roof. Be glad you have people still by your side. Be glad that you can still seek forgiveness from people and from God. Be glad that you still have time to change what's wrong into what's right.

Be glad that you're still alive. But, it wouldnt last long.

An interesting post by Adrian Tan. Yea, i'm aware it a great wall of text, but it's worth the read. I bolded whatever i think i want to highlight upon.


"Life and How to Survive It



I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei" was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You’re going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there’s no life expectancy.

http://mrwangsaysso.blogspot.com/  "

I might have just turned 18 about two months and 11 days ago, but i somehow start thinking like a 29 year old. Seriously. People my age are thinking about getting their motorbike license or what ever they can do when they reach the legal age. While i'm worried about how I'm gonna afford to buy my very own house in the future with only a diploma qualification.

I tend to think more about the future. As in REALLY into the future. Like for example, my friend plans to buy a car when he's able to afford it and put in all sorts of modifications into it, or easily said 'Pimp His Ride', but i told him i plan to buy a SUV so i can fit my future family. Guys my age are planning to go for any pretty(maybe just Any)girls, perhaps since they can 'tompang' them now at the seat of their bike, but i take time to think if the girl is the right one for me and are ideal to be the mother of my children. Guys my age don't really plan to stay long with their girlfriend, but i'm aiming for commitment. Now do you see the mega difference?

I don't think I've adopted the old-fashioned way of thinking. I'm just older in the sense of thinking.

But i was never like this in secondary school. I was rather childish, sarcastic no matter how annoying people think they are and i'm also quite lame. But as i grow older with these attitudes, i came to realize, i was exactly like my father. For your information, this is nothing good. This is what i was really afraid of. I never wanted to become like him. A heavy smoker who 'merajuks' at the slightest things and everything must be done his way. I want to be the opposite. And i changed automatically. Automatically as in sub-consciously/without knowing. My dad's a good role model to me, someone who i don't want to become. But i'm still afraid. I'm still afraid i'll end up like the same. Like the malay saying goes, "Bagaimana acuan, begitulah kuihnya"(No matter the mold, the cake will always take it's shape). But thank god i have sisters to knock sense into me if i ever done something wrong in my marriage(SEE!).


Ok, i think i can go abit more personal since i don't really have readers. But i'm just hoping Ayi and Nani forgot my journal ever existed.


Although i might start thinking like i'm in my 20's, I do still have infatuations and also encountered erm.......ehemlove....... like an normal 18 year old.

Ok, i'll make a public confession. I do have a girl in my mind. And I like her very much. But there's a problem. Yea, you most probably are expecting cliches like "Oh, but she doesnt like me" or "Oh, but she's already happily attached to a guy" or even "Oh, but she slept with three other men" or something even more extreme. But mine's different. I'm not sure if she's the right one. I've been pulling my hair about it for weeks and i'm still not sure if she's the right one. Yea, a typical 18 year old will most probably advice "Eh dok! just go for it! you have nothing to lose!". But i'm always considering. I will always think if we could ever last. I don't want a relationship that lasts for 3 years. I want a relationship that last till god knows how long we live. And i'm yet to put my heart and soul into it because, i don't want to end up being heavily disapointed if everything doesn't go right. And yea, another reasons is that i'm not to sure if i even stand a chance with my looks. I still remember the first day of Sec 3 when Fatimah goes "Eeeee" when she had to sit beside me in the school hall. That was donkey year's ago, and we're in good terms now as far as i'm concerned. But yea, i'm not really THAT nice to look at. And you will definitely agree.

I have too much in mind. And i guess these things can't be solved if I don't talk to someone about it and get their. But i already have someone in mind. Someone who might have the same maturity, but might have a different opinion.



Ahhh, It's always nice to type at the very peaceful time of 2am in the morning.

The pass week has been hell for me, i think. My head is all messed up. I wouldn't call it emotional nor mixed feelings. It's more of the case of getting the blues i think. In fact, it's not that either, but still close enough.

I'll go into deep thought and start thinking and worrying about stuff. And i think i know when it started. It was at work and I finished my job and i was chatting and joking around with my colleagues until, thoughts just poured it. If you were to count them in liters, i'll say a couple of them.

Ok, back to the work part. Yea, after my mind was filled, all i felt like doing was just sit down and just stare at the restaurant floor and start worrying about things that are going in my mind. I wish i could be normal and try to make Shu Ting and Filzah ROFL. But the discomfort of it makes me feel like all i wanted to do was just sit down quietly and stare at the floor.

These thoughts are not specifically only on something, but it's a whole lot of different somethings. And it seriously doesn't help when you're stuck at home and you have no where else to go. It will surely help if i were to see nice cheerful smiling faces of my close friends or colleagues at that point of time. But instead, all I have is my peaceful looking kitties to ease that discomfort.

Ok, i'm guessing you're wondering what was the 'discomfort'. Ok, it's like when you talk to people and laugh with them, but there's something at the top of your mind that is still bothering and troubling you. Yea, THAT discomfort.

During this point of time, i feel like i'm like my irritating side. I'm cranky, paranoid and i over react alot. E.g, i get pissed when my smses are not replied.

I overreacted alot somehow. Like when something happened and i happen to have a different idea about it, then i will have the most diabolical planned in my head(not really diabolical la. More of a plan to merajuk. Yea, pathetic), and start to plan how will I carry out this plan. But when i wake up in the morning and to think about it again, i find my idea to be a whole bunch of crap.

Sometimes i feel that other people are fortunate enough, especially girls, to have their close friends or best friends to listen to their nonsensical problems and still open up to show that they really care and give them their own sensible advice. But for me, i dont think my colleagues gives a shit about me. Somehow I feel i'm on my own.

For the pass few mornings and afternoons, i have been lying on my bed, sniffing on my stinky bolster and start thinking about what i'm worried about and sort it out. Like defragmenting my brain. But the worse part is that, my brain OS is like Windows 95 and it take days for it to finish defragmenting. But these sessions have gone well. I'm quite ok now i guess. But i'm still bothered by something.



I guess i still need more defragmenting sessions early morning. Maybe a scan disk will do great too.

EPIC

Found this song while i was desperately hunting for a job in town. And it still bring me back to those days when the track plays.

You know, i think having an online journal to write out about how i feel and my moods is not my thing. Because, i think i don't have the ability to write exactly how my brain feels. Whatever i put into words is not exactly what i wanted it to look like.

For example, i read my last two posts and it made me seem like some kind of a wuss or a faggot. And I actually laughed out loud after re-reading them again.

Maybe i should just start posting about my thoughts towards issues rather than feelings towards them because of my disability in expressing them the right way.

I'm both mentally and emotionally tired these pass few weeks.

And I do alot of thinking in these periods.
I take my smelly bolster, go somewhere peaceful, lie down on the couch or even on the floor, and just ponder on my thoughts. I can start thinking of all sorts of things. Maybe, work, school, football, Mum and etc and i could sometimes thing of the most extreme thing. But most of the time, i got up, and tell myself, "I ish think much".

It's best when there's not much people at home. I could go anywhere and just start thinking about stuff. It's harder if you have all 5 at home. Outside will be my dad with his laptop accompanied boxes of cigarettes with carbon monoxide filling the whole vicinity of the living room. My parents room dont have the right comfortable atmosphere with the stuffiness. So i depend on my room most of the time. But Mum is always inside there hooked onto her malaysian/indonesian shows and it can be quite irritating in this situation. There's no peaceful areas to go. I sometimes have to hint to my mum to get out or even tell her straight and i feel really bad afterthat.

I take my bolster, put my legs and the bed and lean back on my comfy office chair and just start pondering on my thoughts with my eyes closed. I don't want to sleep because i never want the day to end and i have to go to school the next morning.

And i just figure out, you tend to think of the most extreme solutions when you're pre-frontal lobe of your brain(it controls emotions) is not really in it's happy state. And most of the time leading to a very unpleasant outcome. You get what you want, but you still lose because of what has happened.








(i'm quite disappointed with my current english)

Finally i settled down and disciplined myself to write an entry. As you can see, my previous post was months ago and the journal have been collecting dust after that. I've already explained again and again in my entries how i'm just too lazy to think of an entry to write.

School has been as ass. Somehow i just can't believe it's 14 weeks already. How i can 'tahan' the long dreadful weeks of school. Seriously. Don't believe in those claims that 'poly life is more slack'. Because it doesn't. It occupies most of your time. Sometimes, i rather redo my O levels rather than going through poly. Oh, how i just wish 3 years will end quickly. But the good thing about poly is that, you have more freedom. More freedom as in, you dont have teachers watching your back(but this is also a good thing). If you miss class, that's your problem.

My 18th birthday was last Friday, but i worked anyway because i didn't see it much of a big deal to stay at home and waste my 5 hours worth of work. My sisters pester me to take off but i rather earn money at work. Didn't really though it was a big deal so i didn't tell any of my friends nor my colleagues about my birthday. I didnt find it a really big deal i'm turning 18. Because i seriously don't think anyone(other than my family) would care. So i just went to work, kept my mouth shut about it and just do what i usually do. Yea. But in the end, Liying and Filzah came down and i was 'showered' with soapy tap water. Presented with a "beautiful" Minnie mouse cake. I got a nice bag and behalf of the people i'm close it. And i must say, i really treasure the bag alot.

But before that, it was Presentation time at school. I think i did quite fine infront of my class just that i speaking too fast. I think my content was excellent and i think i did quite ok since i'm the only one who came up with no cards or papers to assist me in my presentation.




Yea, i know my english suck compared to my other posts from last year. I have not been practicing my written english ever since after O Levels.

It was funny how people speculate the dates of the released of the O level results.

"21st! Because the Cambridge Website says so"

"28th! Because Mdm Azlin said that it is released on 28"

"My mother got a friend in there. She says 23rd!"

"No la. 22nd la!"

"Most probably 25th. Usually results are released on Fridays"

In the end, 24th was chosen to be every graduating student's Doom's Day. Everybody got stress as time counts down to that faithful day. Usually I get all tense and start closing my eyes and start worrying when papers are usually given out in school. But for a major exam, somehow, i was totally relaxed. Not that i'm overconfident, but I just dont have the mood to worry for such things. And that is obviously very bad. So my common answer to people towards my nervousness for the results is, "Not just yet".

So Thursday came I was still not very nervous. I was in a more of i-rather-sleep-at-home-and-play-game-all-day kind of mood. Met my usual Jingga friends at the interchange and then we went off to our greatest fears.

Was still totally calmed when Mr Chin start blabbering about top students and whatever. So i just sat there patiently forcing myself to feel scared and nervous. And yes, i got very nervous when the first person went to take her results. My class kinda get it quite quick because the teacher didnt want to say anything. And I was quite relieved when i got my slip. An L1R4 + CCA of 15 (i took it as 16, without cca) and L1R5 of 21. Thank god. I was so happy. But by the time, someone else was crying already. So, well, I had to do alot of consoling.

But this is the hard part. Usually you'll try to say something as right as you can to actually calm themselves down. But the hard part comes when you're dealing with different people. Some cried because, they can't go to even a JC. Some cried because they didnt have enough points to secure themselves into a Poly. Some cried because they can't even make it to ANYWHERE. I was dealing more people with the last two problems. Usually you'll have to start feel sorry about them and put your happiness aside and console them about what you think it's best for him and how you tell them it's okay and ask them to relax. So when i turn my focus to this Sec 4 girl(i know her) who cried frantically, i dare not approach her at all. She was surrounded by her friends. So i instead, attended to my depressed classmates. So days, later i smsed her asking about her results and stuff(more commonly i ask people online about their results). But instead, she was very very happy for her results. Which was not enough to go into her desired JC. So I wasnt sure how to react. So i just reacted to how i reacted to my other friends who didnt achieve what they want. In the end, i got a whole bunch of angry replies. Because, she was sick of people being sorry for her. Heh. Well, i do understand her situation. But it's hard to tell what's actually going on and how should I react.



Yes, i just type a whole bunch of crap with E8-like English. But who reads them? Ayi?
Anyone, if you're reading this. Do let me know you've read. Thank You.

There's really nothing to type actually. Nothing really interesting i have in mind. Been going to interview after interview and well, i wasted my bloody time traveling. I've done the same old thing almost everyday. On Monday I played football at school, Tuesday I had a match, Wednesday attended Jingga's Chalet(Although fun, but i dont really know what to type. Perhaps you could visit the other player's blog since they've stayed for 3 days while i stayed for only 12 hours), did practically nothing yesterday and well, Thats it for my week. It goes on the same each week. Can't really do much. I have to wisely use my remaining $20(actually, now it's $16 after paying for the chalet's barbecue) until the end of the month until god knows when i get a job.

Many are traveling overseas for a week's(or even a month's) family getaway. Even if it's only Malaysia, at least they are fortunate enough to travel. Unlucky for me, it's impossible for my family to travel for some reason. But, thats quite ok. Now i can just spend my free time playing football. Heh.


Now, the video of the day. This was Singapore vs Indonesia during the recent AFF Cup. This was shown delayed on Channel 5. Well, obviously Mediacorp didn't watch the whole match before telecasting it.

I read a thread on HardwareZone EDMW Forum and a guy complained:

"Just now was at One George Street... ard 2315... and wanna take cab home...
Saw quite a few green lights... den one time saw all red lights... with the words ON CALL...
And even green lights don wanna pick me up...
I knew in my heart that all the cab drivers would not stop to pick up someone at this time... cos its gonna be 2330... surcharge gonna start liao... and why pick someone when I can get the extra call cab fee???
I din have to wait long to escape being a slave to this conspiracy... i went to take train back...
Damn dulan man... and still wanna help them raise the cab fee...
This bad habit or conspiracy wont stop... its near impossible to prevent this...
Nvrtheless... the next time i have my cam with me i would just take and let the flash light scare them a bit (hopefully)" - layzibum22

Happens to me most of the time. For example during hari raya visiting, we left a relative's house at 9pm and was heading towards Pasir Ris from Bedok. Only until 11pm, a taxi driver stopped and took us in, before that, many taxis purposely went on the 2nd lane of the 3-lane road to purposely not pick up passengers.

Another guy replied this:

"Ok, here is something I heard directly from a cab driver who responded to a current booking.
He says taxi drivers just wait. Don't pick up any one during the peak hours. Hide in the alleys and lorongs around CBD area. Wait for someone to become desperate and call them, since they are in the immediate vicinity, they will get the call first and then pick up passengers.
It's $3.20 for current booking, peak hour surcharge is $2, city area is $1. The moment you step into the cab you pay $8.40
He says it's stupid to not take advantage of that. Why pick up some one 20 mins before peak hour and probably end up in Jurong or Woodlands?
Camping around and make life difficult for the passengers is the way to make more money.
Seriously, I think the cab fare system in Singapore is just retarded. Just waiting to be gamed and abused." - Littlewild

Heh, interesting.